i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
