so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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