i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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