why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
