You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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