so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
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just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
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If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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