I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
