he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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