i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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