when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
So much rum. So many feels.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
