So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
