I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
