Where is the hickey?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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