I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
