Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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