remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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