She announced her abortion via fbk
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
