I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
