Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i love accidental penises.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
