I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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