I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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