I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
