the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
