I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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