I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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