Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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