so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
