I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
