I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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