rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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