She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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