i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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