WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
