Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
