we have pet lesbian snakes
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
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