Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Randomize
