a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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