It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
