That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You have to summon your inner elephant
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
