when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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