You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
