I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
