She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
