I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Couch. On fire.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
