I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
