The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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