I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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