ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
