just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
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I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm getting married
To pizza
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Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize