Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
