the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Text me some of your sweat
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
