I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
