Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
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She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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