i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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