I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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