Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
